{"id":90,"date":"2020-07-24T12:57:55","date_gmt":"2020-07-24T12:57:55","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/isharawrites.com\/?p=87"},"modified":"2020-07-24T12:57:55","modified_gmt":"2020-07-24T12:57:55","slug":"anxiety-makes-no-fucking-sense","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.isharawrites.com\/?p=90","title":{"rendered":"Anxiety Makes No Fucking Sense"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

It’s ten o’clock and you get a text from your best friend. Water Balloon fight at 4:30!!<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Oh fuck<\/em>. Fuck, fuck. Shit.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

A water balloon fight, that\u2019s supposed to be fun and it would be if it was just you and her, maybe her older sister, but God is it gonna be a bunch of her friends? Family? Shit now your head hurts. Fuck. Your chest, too, it\u2019s like your heart is being squeezed. Now you can\u2019t see.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Who\u2019s coming?<\/em> You text her. The phone buzzes immediately.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Not a lot. You, me, Marley, Cory, and my little siblings.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Not a lot of people, and you know Marley and Cory, but oh fuck, you don\u2019t know her little siblings well. God, what if you make a fool of yourself? You’re real shit at sports. Not that this is a serious sport, but your athletic abilities are practically non existent. So you’re going to look really stupid. Ah… now you can\u2019t breathe. And your hands are shaking. What if there\u2019s teams? You hate teams because you don’t want to let anyone down, but you probably will. You’re lightheaded, are you going to faint?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Okay well holding all of this in is gonna make you lose your mind. Just be honest. She\u2019d understand. Tell her you\u2019re nervous, she\u2019ll probably say there\u2019s no reason to be nervous, and maybe that’ll help. Maybe it won\u2019t. At least someone will know.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

You text her, Okay… I\u2019m a little nervous…<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

She asks why. It\u2019s hard to pinpoint the reason, there is one, but your head is full of mush now so you just send her the shrug emoji.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

You don\u2019t have to come if you don\u2019t want,<\/em> she says.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Which, you know this, and she kind of just gave you an out. But<\/em> if you don\u2019t go, will they judge you for that? Maybe they’ll think you’re lame. And your friend will probably be mad at you for not going. So you have to go. Gotta suck it up.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Ignore me, I\u2019m fine<\/em> you text back. Cause now you wanna forget you said anything at all. What\u2019s the point of saying something if you’re gonna go anyway, that\u2019s just a waste of time. Good fuck, should your chest feel this heavy? Yeah, you’re definetly gonna pass out.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

didn\u2019t think you weren\u2019t.. <\/em>she texts back. Shit. Shit, this is bad. You’re acting like a nut and she thinks so too. Fuck. She’s mad at you. But… there\u2019s no real<\/em> reason for her to be mad at you, right? She definitely seems annoyed. Just change the fucking subject. Send her a meme on twitter. Your throat oh God your throat it\u2019s not fucking… Fuck. You’re so lightheaded, you’re really gonna faint. Your chest… you’re still shaking. Help.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It\u2019s four o\u2019clock. By the grace of God, you didn’t<\/em> faint. Instead you played four different games on your phone and laptop. You\u2019ve ordered things off of Amazon. You cooked dinner before lunch and had absolutely none of it because your throat is too small for you to try to force food through it. You had a conversation with your therapist about how you hate people, and she returned that you don\u2019t like how important it is to you that people \u2018like you\u2019. You scrunched up your nose because that\u2019s so unfortunate since people suck anyway. You’re breathing okay now, though, and you stopped shaking. Your head still hurts and your chest is still heavy, but you don\u2019t think you’ll pass out now.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

So are you waterballooning?<\/em> She texts you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The mattress you’re on falls to pieces under your weight, sending you into a darkness that presses down on your chest as you think about yourself throwing balloons full of water at people you don\u2019t know very well.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Yeah I\u2019ll water balloon<\/em>, you say. Super casually. Can\u2019t even tell from that sentence that you\u2019ve fallen to pieces, nice.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

yayyyy <\/em>she sends you. Something small loosens in your chest. She\u2019s happy you’re coming, she doesn\u2019t feel like you would be a drag especially after your weird reaction that morning. She\u2019s not annoyed with you, or mad at you, she\u2019s just happy you\u2019ll be there. And you two always have fun together, so there\u2019s no reason to think this will be different. But maybe you\u2019ll still make a fool of yourself… You can still feel your heart in your stomach. But you do<\/em> need to stop overthinking.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

(You don’t stop overthinking.)<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

It’s ten o’clock and you get a text from your best friend. Water Balloon fight at 4:30!! Oh fuck. Fuck, fuck. Shit. A water balloon fight, that\u2019s supposed to be fun and it would be if it was just you and her, maybe her older sister, but God is it gonna be a bunch of […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"","_et_pb_old_content":"","_et_gb_content_width":"","_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[10,11],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-90","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-auto-fiction","category-original-work"],"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.isharawrites.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/90","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.isharawrites.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.isharawrites.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.isharawrites.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.isharawrites.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=90"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.isharawrites.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/90\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.isharawrites.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=90"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.isharawrites.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=90"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.isharawrites.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=90"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}